Heart

I've been reflecting on her birth story lately

How holding her felt like my heart was on top of my chest

And how it still does, and I linger it there, will it to stay, please stay

How she changed everything I thought I wanted, even needed

How much I've changed because of her

I never thought having a daughter would give me a fierceness that rakes my heart bare 

The same prayer I keep repeating, can't stop repeating, because I just can't bare to loose her

Can't hold her heart to suffer for her because I would and how it strains me, this heavy love

I never thought being a mama would so starve my selfishness, 

so sacredly call me to this hourly outpouring, moment by moment devotion, 

and tireless tiredness with such tremendous joy

She blooms overnight and I'm all water on the ground glorious

I could have recited pages of up-to-date data on physiology, feedings, sleep training and soothing 

And then the very second she cried it all fell foolishly to the ground

Who can know the heart that beats to sustain a life that pulls free leaving the heart completely helpless? 

How can a mother's heart ever stop yearning to pulse for the one it bled for?

It is my greatest gift to know her and be the witness of her life unfolding

To plant thousands of kisses on her and shower her with wisdom and praise

To model kindness and bravery and, with grace, 

Instill in her the heart of a mother she will someday be

Because it's the hardest and most wonderful thing she will ever do