being home

this week we moved across the hall and down the stairs from our lofted-celine, one bedroom apartment to a more spacious 2-bed, 2-bath, still quite cozy rendition. i must say that after being married 9 months, "making house" is much simpler than it was on our first day together back in September. we have a history now, short as it may be, that allows the walls to speak and draw one into our story... the places we've been, the people we love, our favorite moments together. we feel we've come far and grown much closer than we ever expected. (although neither of us had accurate expectations to begin with). trust, our most welcomed guest, has now nestled in and made himself fond of tempting our palettes to try each other's tastes, and bidding our opinions to take in each other's views. his imploring exercises have become more natural, even enjoyable to us as we each participate in the giving and receiving of him, trust i mean. i don't have nearly as many melt-downs as i used to, and curtis has only exceeded his strong gift of accountability and still allow me to see and feel his struggles, frustration and doubts. he's learned to listen to more than my words and speak straight to my heart... although his teasing will never stop, i feel certain. making me squirm is his favorite game. back to moving... we were able to transfer everything down and over in just a few hours, but the process of piecing it all together took a few days. mostly things just fell into place as if they were claiming possession of their new home as much as we were!

when i think of home i still picture the brick and stone house on a sloping hillside, the creek and woods, the warmth of the fire on winter mornings, and the cool of the screened porch on summer nights, watching fireflies sparkle in the field below. i grew up in a place most have only dreamed about. and to be honest, it wasn't easy for me to leave. i've had to question so much of myself outside of my familiar background and in front of a strange audience. finally questioning what it is i was truly missing, and that lead me back to me! home is not a place or anything the senses can agree on. not peace or security, laughter or memories, love or even family. and it is surely not paint on the walls, a backyard and a barbecue grill (although i want those things quite badly). even the fragrance of a warm meal, the view from the front porch and my husband's arms around me simply calls me to something more certain, more real and sustaining than food, beauty or pleasure. it must be something more...

home is an attitude of the heart. it's choosing to be present and know oneself. it's also choosing to make oneself known. simple acts of kindness, playful words, vulnerable tears, telling secrets and making dreams come true. it's a warm, welcoming, joyous greeting every time someone knocks on the door. it's also acknowledging a world of possibilities outside of oneself, however big or small, plausible, practical or even just for fun. because home does not keep one trapped inside. it's calling up our friends to make salsa and margaritas. extending hospitality to strangers. it's taking time out of chores or studying to sit on the couch and remember we're still in the same room and how thankful we are that we're in love and will always be... home is in our hearts. and our hearts are where we truly live.

i'm so happy to be home.

Beautiful Barcelona

the sun was warm as we walked the streets of a new city, so completely different from our last two ventures on this European voyage. the smell of the Mediterranean Sea breeze & flavorful foods we were dying to taste, the sounds of Spanish music, laughter, entertainers, & children at play... the bright colors of flowers & laundry hanging from balconies & window sills... the intricate tiles & sculptures decorating the sides of buildings and fountains in the squares, and the palm & sycamore trees that lined the sidewalks pointing us toward the beach... ah, the sand between our toes! we eagerly changed clothes and joined the locals for a sun bath, dozing off to the sound of waves breaking gently against the shore. it was heavenly! we didn't hesitate to follow custom in this city - enjoying afternoon siestas, late night tapas, & even later night-life with music, dancing and, yes, a few drinks! the people & culture were fantastic. casual conversations on the subway and in restaurants, admiring the same beauty, palates, & desire for adventure. no one dressed or looked even remotely alike - each person easily casting their own unique style into an eclectic and extremely diverse group they call Catalan. and everyone seemed so young at heart! men & women in their sixties out on the town at midnight enjoying tapas and bright conversation... even older-looking Catalonians playing on the beach and going for a cool swim. we loved their loss for time, their love of beauty, their taste and choice of lifestyle so unlike our own...

rich landscapes & simple lifestyles

i love nuts!

fabulous night on the town

the renown Park Guell in honor of the late Gaudi

yet, it was not just indulgences and care-free attitudes that captured our hearts. the city also glories in its' historic, artistic and spiritual foundations. we soon began to notice the styles of architecture and learned of the inspirations derived from the late and aspired artist Gaudi, whose many works embellish the city at large and speak of a deeper and greater Love. after visiting the church he so grandly envisioned and set into motion, The Sagrada Familia, we were lavished with wonder at the message of salvation told in such profound and exquisite works of art, it brought tears to my eyes. it was the most magnificent structure we have ever seen and it is not even half-way finished. in fact, the church is not expected to reach completion within our lifetime! so much passion and purpose in every carved stone, painted tile, and piece of stained glass, all fitted together in a masterful display of worship to our Maker! overall, our time in Spain was quite refreshing, humbling and inspiring to say the least. and we hope these stories, images and influences will continue to move us out of our over-demanding, time-concious little world and into a spacious place of enjoying the inner luxuries of peace, gratitude and generosity God has given us each and every day. thank you, Barcelona for reminding us of our true home and divine calling as children of the King. life is so much more than what it seems...

Oh, Switzerland!

it was intoxicating. breathing deeply of the cleanest, purest, most welcoming air i have ever let fill my lungs. we arrived after dark, and the stars alone told us we were in mountain country. dazzling! the sky seemed closer; it had to be. somehow luring us in & holding us captive to a majesty we could only outline on the horizon: enormous walls of black against the deep blue. no moon. we walked the wide & spotless streets of Interlaken almost ready to camp outside 'til the sun came up and pulled back night's curtain on these massive peaks we were so anxious to finally see. we were giddy, we could hardly wait for morning to come! alas, we reached our hostel, The Backpackers Villa, and were welcomed with a personal note and warm stack of sheets & towels. although our minds threatened to keep us awake, our aching bodies won us over to sleep...

...i was first to awaken just before dawn. (of course, the sun takes a bit longer to rise above the heady skyline). and the view i saw changed me in an instant. i cannot say that has ever happened to me before. my eyes fixated on the glory surrounding me & my entire being filled with tranquility, joy, newness, freedom. my perspectives altered. my ideals shifted. it was so subtle, yet so sincere. i had tears in my eyes & a cavern in my heart. i wanted to run up into them. i wanted to wrap my arms around them. i wanted to be apart of them, to be held by them, to call them home. those mountains on that beautiful morning!

we rented scooters later that day to go "further up and further in". curtis drove fast against the whipping mountain winds, with me warm on his back, clinging tightly. more quaint towns than i thought possible, more jaw-dropping landscapes than i could ever dream!

                            

still, we wanted to go higher. so we paid our ticket to the top: a gondola ride to the second highest peak on the continent! the road at the bottom of the next pic is the same rode we were on in the previous pic. we were only a fraction of the way there! (i was kind of scared).

getting closer...  maybe half-way there!

finally, the peak of Shilthorn in view!

the view from the top took our breath away, and the breath we did take was so fresh and clean, it could have had healing powers! the green trees and fields nowhere to be seen. our little town swallowed up by peak after peak of sky-scraping rock faces iced in a thick layer sparkling snow. nearly indescribable. truly unforgettable.

these mountains compare to no others. they are guardians, treasure keepers, sanctuaries, proclaiming such strength and mystery, we knew God had given us an incredible glimpse of himself: mighty, awesome, powerful, able, unchanging and true. his love really does reach the heavens; his faithfulness, to the skies.

all that is left to say here is please go! you will not be disappointed, no matter the cost. let yourself be moved to tears and filled with wonder again! we can hardly wait to return...

Bienvenue Paris!

Paris in springtime was absolutely lovely. Classic, elegant, romantic, refined... I felt as if we had stepped back in time to an era of pristine grace and gratitude for unashamed sensual pleasure. The smells coming from corner Boulangeries (bakeries) and sidewalk Brasseries (upscale cafe`s) were simply divine. The charming window trimmings and large wooden doors that lined the streets, flowering trees in bloom, colorful fruit stands and fabulous fashionistas strutting their way to work or study all had an amazing way of catching the eye and tempting one's step to stumble. We visited museums and cathedrals where ancient masterpieces gleamed over our heads and inspired our imaginations. We tasted ton ton (raw beef) and chocolate-filled crepes; enjoyed dark espressos and buttery baguettes... and paid way too much for all of it. And most of all, we walked abroad and embraced a culture so unlike our own. We found respect, admiration, temptation and desire for greatness beyond ourselves. And we left gratefully; completely satisfied and lacking nothing whatsoever. We only took with us a sidewalk print of the sparkling Eiffel Tower in the magical twilight of this fairy-tale city. A fairy tale we hope our future children (especially little girls) will dream of and see come true someday. Until then, dear Paris, we bid thee adieu!

life is beautiful

life really is so beautiful... one of my all-time favorite european dramas sweeps powerful scenes through my mind as i reflect on the staggering beauty of my life and how i have become so subtly awakened to entirely new meanings of love, devotion, courage, humility, and sacrifice over the past six months of being newly married. in this new season i have learned how to embrace God's gifts of inner peace and immeasurable joy all the while being taught (and disciplined) to discard my foolish fantasies, smooth-talking selfishness and raging pride. (i ALWAYS think i'm right, and when proven otherwise, i dismiss the subject as if it didn't have any significance or meaning to me at all, ha!). there have been countless times (and curtis can testify) where i have let the tiniest fears and insecurities turn into roaring tigers in my mind and have allowed only a few tears of sadness or disappointment spill into a tidal wave of emotions and multiple freak-out sessions. i have manipulated, schemed, and blatantly lied to achieve my own way. i have failed miserably at 'balancing' relationships, work, health and spiritual wellness. i have binged on ice cream and chocolates and then ran miles in the dead of wintery nights to clear my guilt and sweat off my shame. what kind of person am i? left to myself, i would soon be destroyed! i am utterly convinced there is no possible ounce of reason as to why i have been given such a glorious existence when i have done so much evil and refused to do so much good. and the real question... the one that is rarely ever asked in truth: who would ever love someone like me? if they really knew me?


"I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different." Romans 7:18-25


"Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.

...So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. 

Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.

Wives, understand and support your husbands by submitting to them in ways that honor the Master. 

Husbands, go all out in love for your wives. Don't take advantage of them." Colossians 3:3-4, 12-19

hmm... beautiful. thank you Jesus for living your life in me. thank you curtis for living this life with me! and thanks to all my life's witnesses who know me and still love me. my heart aches to love you more!

Europe... one week from today!

          Bobby & Michaela    Curtis & Annie

alone at night

i don't like to be alone at night. especially at this time. i feel a world away from normalcy, company, activity. the hours toy with my brain and body, making me awkwardly unproductive in thought or action. even when we're together in the dark, awake while the world sleeps, life just doesn't happen like it would if we were buzzing around with all the other awkwardly unproductive people within our view. opportunity seems limited to our television, refrigerator, internet and 24-hour Wal-Mart. we get up from the couch, open the fridge, walk to the computer and back to the couch, around and around, back and forth, all the while dreaming of days when the we will rise with the sun and live in the light it brings... yet in this season, when the stars are out-shined by the parking lot lights outside our window, opportunity is still present and new and waiting to be held. i've learned to cook, crochet, and scrapbook. curtis discovers something new every 5 minutes either from the history channel or global news. i do the laundry, he does the dishes. we make smoothies and take naps around 3am. i'll do yoga at sunrise and he'll get in a good laugh watching best-of-youtube. it's a simple, sometimes lonely, but mostly lovely little life. he'll be home in a couple of hours and i'll make breakfast and we'll go to bed with the blinds and curtains closed. someday or some night, things will change. and i will be as happy then as i am now: alone, warm in my sweats and wool socks, listening to pandora play praises to my Maker who is LORD of the night as well as the day. as the psalmist says, "whenever i awake, i am still with you." with you. light and peace and love, with you.

newness again

10:30 pm, more like noon to us, and i'm tearful with thoughts of home & change & unknown spaces of time. as with every season, there is a lax in the calendar called 'transition' which is hardly exciting & rarely very easy for me. i always expect it to come but can never predict it's passing... oh, how i'm ready for it to pass! i'm ready to be certain again. ready to know purpose again. curtis loves to plan. his mind always fixed on our next great adventure. i do love adventures. but i also love to be still. peace, warmth, hospitality, alone-time together... my heart yearns for comfort & stability. these things are not lost to me in this period of soul-searching, just out of sorts, perhaps. not as easily lingered upon. my mind is a mess, it seems. as if all the after-party from the previous season were swept up & tossed into my brain, cluttering my thoughts & stretching my emotional threads until one breaks unexpectedly & i loose composure. i've spent a great deal of my life working on not loosing my composure. in fact, i glory in my keeping of it in the midst of uncontrolled chaos, dealing with frantically irrational people & my own physical strain. others tell me what marvelous composure i have, how they could never keep their temper or their tongue in moments where i have done. so when mere thoughts of the future & longings of the past rob me of my sweetness & patience & understanding of myself & others, i am quite asunder. how do these little lies carry so much power in my being? yes, lies. and why do i believe them? because they sound so much like me... & why shouldn't i be trusted? and as i'm questioning, of course, the answers come. i am not the strong, independent, fearless & forgiving person i think i am. i am not my own...


"oh LORD, you have searched me & you know me. you know when i sit & when i rise. you perceive my thoughts from afar. you discern my going out & my lying down. you are familiar with all my ways. before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely oh LORD. you hem me in, behind & before. you have laid your hand upon me. such knowledge is too wonderful for me, to high for me to grasp. where can i go from your Spirit? where can i hide from your presence? if i go up the heavens, you are there. if i make my bed in the depths, you are there. if i rise on the wings of the dawn & settle on the farthest side of the sea. even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will always hold me. if i say surely the darkness will cover me, the light becoming night around me. even the darkness is not dark to you. the night shines like the day, for darkness is as light to you. for you created my inmost being. you knit me together in my mother's womb. i praise you for i am fearfully & wonderfully made! all the days ordained for me where written in your book before even one of them came to be. how precious to me are your thoughts oh God! how vast is the sum of them. were i to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. when i awake, i am still with you... search me oh God & know my heart. test me & know my anxious thoughts. see if there is any offensive way in me & lead me in the way everlasting."

psalm 139

Lord, let the time pass as you will & let me rest in your goodness & purpose, however unknown it may be, i know it is for me. you are for me. and i am yours. 

morning

we just met in the crowded lobby of the western pavilion... it's roughly 7:13 a.m. we hug briefly and guage each other's night by our facial expressions & struggling good postures... mine worse than his... but this was a busy night for both of us. i ask him the highlights from his 30 plus patients, ranging anywhere from seasonal colds to death-gripping traumas & then take my turn in synthesizing the glorious triumphs & draining dramas of giving birth. it's shockingly cold outside as we walk to the parking garage & huddle down in his white truck for our 6 minute drive home. up the 4 flights of stairs as fast as we can into our cozy, one-bedroom apartment & turn up the heat. i light the Christmas tree for pleasure's sake while he checks his email & finds something to eat. pj's come on quickly & i snuggle into bed after a quick yoga session to loosen my aching muscles. he takes approximately 30 minutes longer to unwind, floss, brush & get under the covers with me, but it's well worth the wait. our opposite body temperatures balance each other perfectly & make for a good day's sleep... much needed for yet another night riding the roller coaster of healthcare - never knowing when & where a tunnel or drop-off, turn-around or jolting hault will happen along the way. still, we're somehow left with a sense of pride in surviving it; as if we had some sort of control in maintaining the chaos & preventing disaster from occurring. it is an odd sense of power, when a person puts complete trust into our limited knowledge & believes every word we say. but with this power we also carry an impossible weight of responsibilty... keeping them alive. it is here i simply cannot let the culture define who i am & how i work because this is more than just making ends meet.  it is a calling, & every evening when we park his truck in the same 2nd level spot, we pray & thank God for giving us the grace, determination, courage, insight & ability to fulfill His work in & through our lives. we may never know the impact our hands, heads & hearts will make. to us, it's not just another old lady who is dying, another child who's parents can't understand why he's crying, or another infant who just breathed for the first time. this is our place in His greater plan, to give every patient a glimpse of His incredible, undeserving love. so now we rest... as the sun marks its course through the distant sky... we are dreaming peacefully in the beautful silence & semi-darkness of our winter's home.