Tuesday, November 8, 2016


So I scheduled a counseling session with a therapist tomorrow.
I made the call full of confidence and when it went to voicemail
I was barely able to choke out the words, "I need help…"
I hung up pretty surprised by how hard that was for me.
But very relieved when I got a call back an hour later confirming my appointment.
And then I scrambled to find childcare.
{insert faithful mother in law who always comes to my rescue}

I'm learning that faith is taking the time to really ask the Lord
what it is he would have me do, then really sit with his answer in my heart,
and really take that next step of obedience and do it.
Just do it. Thank you NIKE.

I know that I know that I KNOW that God is faithful.
I just never believed it was His faith in me. 
I thought I had to muster the mustard seed all on my own.
And please tell me I'm not the only one who imagined myself actually saying
to a mountain to throw itself into the sea and standing there stupidly
waiting for it to happen thinking to myself, why did I even try? 
Of course it isn't going to move.
 I know my faith isn't enough, will never be enough.
And that's exactly it.

It's not about the amount of faith I have. 
It's about HE who is 
F A I T H F U L in me.

I'm seriously looking at a mountain right now.
And it's big and scary and I seriously just want it to move.
I do not want to climb it or go around it or through it.
I want it gone.
At the bottom of the ocean gone.

But as I'm looking at it, scaling it to size, and finding myself so very, very small.
I see how impossible it is, how utterly despairing and completely exhausting
and I just can't imagine having the courage to tell it anything.

So how can Jesus say that my tiny faith is all it takes?
Because He is so utterly and completely
F A I T H - F U L L.
He never despairs or exhausts himself with any impossibility or pain or fear.
And He's already traversed every mountain and swam every ocean to have my heart
so how could I not trust him with this?
This heart-sized-hill-turned-trial in my life?

I'm learning...
that my faith is not in what I say or ask or demand or plead or beg God to do for me.
My faith is in His G O O D N E S S and L O V E
and never-ending F A I T H F U L N E S S.

Take heart, O heart.
He can be trusted.
With this.