Sunday, January 9, 2011

newness again

10:30 pm, more like noon to us, and i'm tearful with thoughts of home & change & unknown spaces of time. as with every season, there is a lax in the calendar called 'transition' which is hardly exciting & rarely very easy for me. i always expect it to come but can never predict it's passing... oh, how i'm ready for it to pass! i'm ready to be certain again. ready to know purpose again. curtis loves to plan. his mind always fixed on our next great adventure. i do love adventures. but i also love to be still. peace, warmth, hospitality, alone-time together... my heart yearns for comfort & stability. these things are not lost to me in this period of soul-searching, just out of sorts, perhaps. not as easily lingered upon. my mind is a mess, it seems. as if all the after-party from the previous season were swept up & tossed into my brain, cluttering my thoughts & stretching my emotional threads until one breaks unexpectedly & i loose composure. i've spent a great deal of my life working on not loosing my composure. in fact, i glory in my keeping of it in the midst of uncontrolled chaos, dealing with frantically irrational people & my own physical strain. others tell me what marvelous composure i have, how they could never keep their temper or their tongue in moments where i have done. so when mere thoughts of the future & longings of the past rob me of my sweetness & patience & understanding of myself & others, i am quite asunder. how do these little lies carry so much power in my being? yes, lies. and why do i believe them? because they sound so much like me... & why shouldn't i be trusted? and as i'm questioning, of course, the answers come. i am not the strong, independent, fearless & forgiving person i think i am. i am not my own...

"oh LORD, you have searched me & you know me. you know when i sit & when i rise. you perceive my thoughts from afar. you discern my going out & my lying down. you are familiar with all my ways. before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely oh LORD. you hem me in, behind & before. you have laid your hand upon me. such knowledge is too wonderful for me, to high for me to grasp. where can i go from your Spirit? where can i hide from your presence? if i go up the heavens, you are there. if i make my bed in the depths, you are there. if i rise on the wings of the dawn & settle on the farthest side of the sea. even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will always hold me. if i say surely the darkness will cover me, the light becoming night around me. even the darkness is not dark to you. the night shines like the day, for darkness is as light to you. for you created my inmost being. you knit me together in my mother's womb. i praise you for i am fearfully & wonderfully made! all the days ordained for me where written in your book before even one of them came to be. how precious to me are your thoughts oh God! how vast is the sum of them. were i to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. when i awake, i am still with you... search me oh God & know my heart. test me & know my anxious thoughts. see if there is any offensive way in me & lead me in the way everlasting."
psalm 139

Lord, let the time pass as you will & let me rest in your goodness & purpose, however unknown it may be, i know it is for me. you are for me. and i am yours.