Tuesday, November 8, 2016


So I scheduled a counseling session with a therapist tomorrow.
I made the call full of confidence and when it went to voicemail
I was barely able to choke out the words, "I need help…"
I hung up pretty surprised by how hard that was for me.
But very relieved when I got a call back an hour later confirming my appointment.
And then I scrambled to find childcare.
{insert faithful mother in law who always comes to my rescue}

I'm learning that faith is taking the time to really ask the Lord
what it is he would have me do, then really sit with his answer in my heart,
and really take that next step of obedience and do it.
Just do it. Thank you NIKE.

I know that I know that I KNOW that God is faithful.
I just never believed it was His faith in me. 
I thought I had to muster the mustard seed all on my own.
And please tell me I'm not the only one who imagined myself actually saying
to a mountain to throw itself into the sea and standing there stupidly
waiting for it to happen thinking to myself, why did I even try? 
Of course it isn't going to move.
 I know my faith isn't enough, will never be enough.
And that's exactly it.

It's not about the amount of faith I have. 
It's about HE who is 
F A I T H F U L in me.

I'm seriously looking at a mountain right now.
And it's big and scary and I seriously just want it to move.
I do not want to climb it or go around it or through it.
I want it gone.
At the bottom of the ocean gone.

But as I'm looking at it, scaling it to size, and finding myself so very, very small.
I see how impossible it is, how utterly despairing and completely exhausting
and I just can't imagine having the courage to tell it anything.

So how can Jesus say that my tiny faith is all it takes?
Because He is so utterly and completely
F A I T H - F U L L.
He never despairs or exhausts himself with any impossibility or pain or fear.
And He's already traversed every mountain and swam every ocean to have my heart
so how could I not trust him with this?
This heart-sized-hill-turned-trial in my life?

I'm learning...
that my faith is not in what I say or ask or demand or plead or beg God to do for me.
My faith is in His G O O D N E S S and L O V E
and never-ending F A I T H F U L N E S S.

Take heart, O heart.
He can be trusted.
With this.

Friday, October 28, 2016

forgiving me

No apologies for my absence here.
Some seasons require more of me than I can spare
for writing, sharing, posting, even reflecting.

But yesterday I felt a deep call to write again.
And not just to recap our little family's events and happenings.
Writing is a gift and a tool and I'm finding that having a voice is important these days. 
And the internet is simply the current means by which I am able to share it.

Motherhood has been for me overwhelming exhaustion and exquisite joy.
 My babies are growing so rapidly that I barely have time to snap a photo before 
they leap beyond the caption I could have written 
and bewilder me with another milestone or sentence 
that I simply can't keep up.
So lately I've stopped trying.
I put down my phone and bask in all their 
wondrous learning and learn right along with them.

Then I find myself more in love and more ok with not having it all together
because that has never mattered to them.
They just want their mommy to be right in the middle of all their messes.
Not cleaning it up or wiping them down, but loving on them.
Holding, helping, listening, really seeing what they see and caring as much as they care. 
And not pretending to because they can see right past that.
So smart, those babies.

And funny, my gosh!
No one ever told me toddlers are the funniest people on earth.
Especially when they are mad, oh man, SO hard not to laugh. 
I remember vividly being laughed at as a young girl when I was upset.
I told myself at an early age that I would never make a child's real feelings 
feel misunderstood, unimportant or silly.
Actually I'm remembering a lot of things lately that I promised 
I would never do AFTER I have already done them.
Forgiveness is essential in parenting.
And marriage, well, life in general…

Lately I've been forgiving myself... 
For not getting dressed until naptime (noon) 3 or 4 times a week.
For not taking better care of my astronomically expensive hair extensions.
For speed scrolling through Facebook and Instagram hitting "like" on as many 
posts as I can without reading them so I don't look like a looser friend (sorry guys).
For snapping at my daughter for spilling her oatmeal or milk or snack cup a million times a day.
For nursing my 11 month old back to sleep too many times at night.
For having no food in the house for my poor husband.
And (even though I went grocery shopping today)
 for eating halloween candy for dinner.

I am not perfect.
I used to think I nearly was or could be.
I may still put off that vibe to some and for that, I'm sorry.
I hope you can forgive me for making you feel less than you are. 
I hope you can see Jesus' love and peace and forgiveness in my life
and know that he chooses you a thousand times a day 
in every circumstance and in every way. 

"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. 
I have come that you may have life and have it to the full."
John 10:10

The enemy has tried to steal, kill and destroy precious things in my life.
I'm not about to let go of the promises I've been given as God's child and friend.
That nothing else compares to the fullness, depth, beauty and freedom I have in Jesus.
And nothing can take that away from me.
So I'm gonna keep forgiving myself and those around me.
And thanking God for his forever love and great forgiveness.

And that's my heart right now.
Amidst the quiet of sleeping babies and oddly balanced palate of
peanut butter cups and peppermint patties.
It feels good to be writing again.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Home Reveal!

This was our home last August right after we moved in
We knew from day 1 this was not our ideal color for a house
We also knew the entire back and right side of the house needed to be re-sided 
So, we saved and prayed for a light rainy winter to keep any water damage at bay
and hired a contractor at the first signs of spring...

Today we are so in love with our new look, it feels like a brand new house!

The crew worked tirelessly every sunny day for nearly a month
Tearing out the old siding, painstakingly putting up the new
Cutting away siding around the windows to add trim and moulding
And finishing out the entrance with beautiful craftsmanship

The painters were incredible, working in the hot sun and 
making sure all our detailed requests were met
It took some time and several discussions to get our vision across
But in the end we were so pleased with their work!

The front of the house was a tan color but the back of the house 
with the old siding was a dirty yellow color
Yes, the house was 2 colors!

We are so thrilled to see not only all of that yellow gone but to have this beautiful bright white
complimenting the bold blue and making our back patio feel so clean and inviting

The new white rafters of the back awning looking out into the yard

Three mature blueberry bushes are nearly bursting with soon to be ripe berries!

Our lovely Asian pear tree also filled with early fruit

This backyard was the real selling point for me in choosing this home
I am SO excited to see my children playing and exploring together as they age
Knox already loves the baby swing and Nollie enters a whole new world every time
we let her out to wander, dig and play... this girl LOVES dirt! 

My newly planted white hydrangea looking lush and ready to boom 

Here is a before and after of our front door, the right picture taken last fall
I love how the side windows are incorporated into the trim to make a grand, full entrance
It was my mom who suggested yellow and at first I was hesitant, but now I absolutely love it!
It will make any dreary grey day feel bright and sunny and that is exactly what we need around here
And the new handle adds the perfect contrast, so needed as well!

We found two Adirondack kits at our local Bi-Mart for $30 a piece
It took Curtis one afternoon to build them and another to stain and finish
So worth it when considering how much they retail for!
We have already enjoyed an evening sitting here together under the lovely baskets 
Curtis splurged on me for Mother's Day
I have truly ALWAYS dreamed of having a front porch like this, thank you babe!

Some of the blooms around our front porch, different varieties of hydrangea we planted
and a beautiful climbing clematis I divided last fall and planted in front of both posts

It's amazing to see such a transformation and how it affects the inside of our home as well
There have been so, so many projects that go unnoticed but have to get done nonetheless
So getting to see and feel the change in these updates makes the reward seem greater, 
and more exciting to share

God knew this was the home for us and we will continue working to 
develop its potential as a place of love and safety for our family
as well as a refuge and open door to those around us

Joshua 24:15
"As for me and my house, we will serve the LORD"

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Hello Spring!

Oh dear me, three months since I've written?
Truly it has flown by and I find myself in so very different a season.
Hello Spring!

Nollie's 2nd birthday is right around the corner 
and sweet Knox at four months old is just 
barely becoming a heavy, one-armed hip baby.
Thank goodness for that, my poor aching back.

I survive on their regular nap schedules and early bedtimes.
And although I've been without caffeine for over 6 weeks 
I've now committed to dairy free for the sake of my laundry
and Knox's worsening reflux lately.

All very much worth it and leaving me guiltless 
from those (well earned) latte and ice cream runs that turned into 
projectile vomiting and acidic spit-up stains on all our clothes.

At least he is a happy spitter!
The happiest baby indeed.
How could I love you more my boy
You simply enthrall me!

I started working again.
Only a few shifts a month and 
surprisingly it has been good for my soul.
How much better a nurse I am now being a mother.
Six years this June and I don't regret my choice
(God's choice) for one second!

How often I am reminded that He knows what He's doing!
Oh trust Him.

I flew home a couple weeks ago
by myself with both babes.
 And all I want to re-hash on traveling like that 
is that I hope I forget how crazy hard it was 
cause I'm most likely going to do it again. 
Lord, help me.

But it was SUCH a blessing being home!
I hadn't been there in almost a year and it was 
Knox's first time meeting all my siblings, 
their sweet sweet children, my dear grandparents, 
and a few of my many aunts, uncles and cousins.

And as sweet as that was, it was even more precious
to watch Nollie get to KNOW them and form bonds that
I pray she will carry with her always.
Always knowing that she is loved 
by her family far away.

How fun it will be to watch these little cousins grow up together!
She being the youngest of the first four girls 
and Knox being the youngest of the first four boys.
And three more babies on the way!
We can hardly wait to meet you!

My mom and dad spoil me when I'm home 
and find it hard to share me with the rest of the fam.
But it's never going to be easy or fair and 
no longer quite as restful with babies in the mix
and that's okay.

My heart is to reconnect
to savor the face-to-face
and physically embrace each person
that I've missed so long between these visits.
I promise I love each of you and I think about you
every. single. day.

But this is my home.
These are my day-to-days.
And my love grows more and more for
this misty, evergreen land and yes,
even the rain.

Nollie certainly knows and loves her family here
talking and asking about each one daily.
She gave squeals of delight 
when we walked over to Nana and Papa's unannounced this afternoon
just to say hi and clutter up their living room with all the stashed toys
she just had to bring out one by one until the room was full.

She has them wrapped around her finger tight!
And my are we falling head over heels for her every day.
The things she says!
New today: "Mmm, de-leesh-ee!" (delicious) 
And our favorite lately: "Hold you, Mama, hold you, Dada"

Yeah, girl, your Mama and Daddy are never letting you go!

Our joy is so tangible in this season. 
I can't stand it that I won't always be able to carry her 
with arms and legs wrapped around me, 
 head resting on my shoulder, 
and her hand patting my back
as if I'm the one in need of comforting!
Yes, darling, I am!

And how can I begin to fathom 
that my soft, squishy, wobbly baby love
will be running around in no time?!?

I just won't have it!
Not now.
Not while I can hold them as long as I could possibly ever want to.