Friday, October 28, 2016

forgiving me

No apologies for my absence here.
Some seasons require more of me than I can spare
for writing, sharing, posting, even reflecting.

But yesterday I felt a deep call to write again.
And not just to recap our little family's events and happenings.
Writing is a gift and a tool and I'm finding that having a voice is important these days. 
And the internet is simply the current means by which I am able to share it.

Motherhood has been for me overwhelming exhaustion and exquisite joy.
 My babies are growing so rapidly that I barely have time to snap a photo before 
they leap beyond the caption I could have written 
and bewilder me with another milestone or sentence 
that I simply can't keep up.
So lately I've stopped trying.
I put down my phone and bask in all their 
wondrous learning and learn right along with them.

Then I find myself more in love and more ok with not having it all together
because that has never mattered to them.
They just want their mommy to be right in the middle of all their messes.
Not cleaning it up or wiping them down, but loving on them.
Holding, helping, listening, really seeing what they see and caring as much as they care. 
And not pretending to because they can see right past that.
So smart, those babies.

And funny, my gosh!
No one ever told me toddlers are the funniest people on earth.
Especially when they are mad, oh man, SO hard not to laugh. 
I remember vividly being laughed at as a young girl when I was upset.
I told myself at an early age that I would never make a child's real feelings 
feel misunderstood, unimportant or silly.
Actually I'm remembering a lot of things lately that I promised 
I would never do AFTER I have already done them.
Forgiveness is essential in parenting.
And marriage, well, life in general…

Lately I've been forgiving myself... 
For not getting dressed until naptime (noon) 3 or 4 times a week.
For not taking better care of my astronomically expensive hair extensions.
For speed scrolling through Facebook and Instagram hitting "like" on as many 
posts as I can without reading them so I don't look like a looser friend (sorry guys).
For snapping at my daughter for spilling her oatmeal or milk or snack cup a million times a day.
For nursing my 11 month old back to sleep too many times at night.
For having no food in the house for my poor husband.
And (even though I went grocery shopping today)
 for eating halloween candy for dinner.

I am not perfect.
I used to think I nearly was or could be.
I may still put off that vibe to some and for that, I'm sorry.
I hope you can forgive me for making you feel less than you are. 
I hope you can see Jesus' love and peace and forgiveness in my life
and know that he chooses you a thousand times a day 
in every circumstance and in every way. 

"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. 
I have come that you may have life and have it to the full."
John 10:10

The enemy has tried to steal, kill and destroy precious things in my life.
I'm not about to let go of the promises I've been given as God's child and friend.
That nothing else compares to the fullness, depth, beauty and freedom I have in Jesus.
And nothing can take that away from me.
So I'm gonna keep forgiving myself and those around me.
And thanking God for his forever love and great forgiveness.

And that's my heart right now.
Amidst the quiet of sleeping babies and oddly balanced palate of
peanut butter cups and peppermint patties.
It feels good to be writing again.

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