Tuesday, June 7, 2011

being home

this week we moved across the hall and down the stairs from our lofted-celine, one bedroom apartment to a more spacious 2-bed, 2-bath, still quite cozy rendition. i must say that after being married 9 months, "making house" is much simpler than it was on our first day together back in September. we have a history now, short as it may be, that allows the walls to speak and draw one into our story... the places we've been, the people we love, our favorite moments together. we feel we've come far and grown much closer than we ever expected. (although neither of us had accurate expectations to begin with). trust, our most welcomed guest, has now nestled in and made himself fond of tempting our palettes to try each other's tastes, and bidding our opinions to take in each other's views. his imploring exercises have become more natural, even enjoyable to us as we each participate in the giving and receiving of him, trust i mean. i don't have nearly as many melt-downs as i used to, and curtis has only exceeded his strong gift of accountability and still allow me to see and feel his struggles, frustration and doubts. he's learned to listen to more than my words and speak straight to my heart... although his teasing will never stop, i feel certain. making me squirm is his favorite game. back to moving... we were able to transfer everything down and over in just a few hours, but the process of piecing it all together took a few days. mostly things just fell into place as if they were claiming possession of their new home as much as we were!

when i think of home i still picture the brick and stone house on a sloping hillside, the creek and woods, the warmth of the fire on winter mornings, and the cool of the screened porch on summer nights, watching fireflies sparkle in the field below. i grew up in a place most have only dreamed about. and to be honest, it wasn't easy for me to leave. i've had to question so much of myself outside of my familiar background and in front of a strange audience. finally questioning what it is i was truly missing, and that lead me back to me! home is not a place or anything the senses can agree on. not peace or security, laughter or memories, love or even family. and it is surely not paint on the walls, a backyard and a barbecue grill (although i want those things quite badly). even the fragrance of a warm meal, the view from the front porch and my husband's arms around me simply calls me to something more certain, more real and sustaining than food, beauty or pleasure. it must be something more...

home is an attitude of the heart. it's choosing to be present and know oneself. it's also choosing to make oneself known. simple acts of kindness, playful words, vulnerable tears, telling secrets and making dreams come true. it's a warm, welcoming, joyous greeting every time someone knocks on the door. it's also acknowledging a world of possibilities outside of oneself, however big or small, plausible, practical or even just for fun. because home does not keep one trapped inside. it's calling up our friends to make salsa and margaritas. extending hospitality to strangers. it's taking time out of chores or studying to sit on the couch and remember we're still in the same room and how thankful we are that we're in love and will always be... home is in our hearts. and our hearts are where we truly live.

i'm so happy to be home.